Sunday, April 26, 2015

The History of Cheese

Many people are surprised to hear that cheese was actually invented by a very insecure cow. She felt like buckets and buckets of milk, while helpful to society, were not enough for her to feel like she had really "contributed something."

"Any cow can make milk," she would always remind herself. Many sleepless nights found her mooning before a chalk board, diagramming endless possibilities of what could be done to augment her wonderful but commonplace gift of milk production.

It would surprise no one to discover that her father was a very hard driving bull. Every blue ribbon she came home with, he found a way to sniff at it, to discover the crease in the masterpiece, as it were. Her accolades stacked up like milk crates throughout her childhood, but each achievement left her more and more empty; father preferring to joke around with his buddies and talk about meaningless nonsense (what bulls refer to as "a session"), rather than appreciate his daughter's achievements was a repeated red hot goad to the backside.

The breakthrough in fermentation that she discovered came with a heavy cost--she was driven mad by the pressure and expectation that accompanies genius. Many in her community wanted to name her creation "mad cow cream," as an ominous homage to its complicated genesis, but the wisdom of the herd asserted itself, as it often does, and "cheese" was finally agreed upon as the best moniker for the new invention.

So that is how cheese was invented--anyone who contradicts this origin story is a heartless maniac that should be avoided at all costs, even at the risk of your own safety.