Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Steal From The Best

One of my heroes is the writer, Jack Handy. You may remember some of Jack's work from Saturday Night Live in the 90s. He would write these wonderfully bizarre and hilarious "Deep Thoughts." He's not topical, he's not crass, he's not relevant—he's just mind mindbogglingly hilarious.

I did an exercise where I ripped off his form. They are nothing close to what he does, but you've gotta start somewhere, right?

My attempts at Jack Handy-style jokes:

If a man wants to get hair to grow on his back, I don’t think it’s a problem to keep it caked with fertilizer and water it periodically. But my wife does.

People like to be flattered. But they don’t like to be faltered—that’s why it’s so important to know how to spell.

There’s nothing worse than an incomplete thought. Well there is one thing, but it’s immensely if you can put it down again.

We obsess about the order of words, but do you think the words really care all that much? I think they’re just happy to be noticed.

You know when you get down on all fours and follow your dog around ironically to get him to think about his position in the universe? Well they should make special pads for your hands and knees for that, it's a lot of work.

Apples probably think they’re pretty great, but I doubt pears have the same complex. But a pear can be good, too. Apples are just jerks.

If your name was Melvin, it seems like it would be a good idea to wear chaps, spurs and a six-shooter.

A funny thing to do with a can of cut green beans is to empty it out, fill it with fake eyeballs, reseal it, then wait for your spouse to open it.

If a shirt could talk, I think that it would spend so much time trying to talk itself through how it could have ever gotten to this point, that I think it would be years until it really had anything meaningful to say. And you would probably get so tired of it that you would throw it in the fire before it even got close. So actually, with that lesson learned, if your shirt ever does start to talk, just immediately throw it in the fire.

A lot of people think that kings have it the best in this world, but don’t you think that sometimes, late at night, kings think “I just want my mommy”? And if that’s true, that would mean that actually mommies have it best. But that’s a dumb idea.

If you were bleeding internally, it might help to swallow tons of paste. But I would also feel bad if you chose to try my theory instead of seeking medical attention, and then you died. But then I would stand over you and say, “Why did you listen to me? I’m not a medical professional, the blood is on your hands”.

I think that if you woke up to a robber in your house, a funny gag would be to say “finally!, I’ve been waiting for an accomplice.” But once you had his trust you would do a swinging back kick to his head, of course.

A good way to relieve stress, when you’re home alone, is to scream violent obscenities until you go hoarse. But make sure you don’t forget your kids stayed home from school, because it was a Saturday, because if they’re anything like my kids, they’ll be white as sheets.

You know, if God was really as big and powerful as he said he was, he would do a lot more lightning and miracles to impress us. Just goes to show that our heroes don’t always live up to our standards.

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