Wednesday, August 20, 2014

10 Things I've Done That You Never Should



  1. On a number of occasions I have made up aliases, complete with their own email addresses, so I could tell someone off or otherwise trick them into giving me information.
    • Waste of time. Just be honest with people.

  2. I tried to push my truck up the incline of my driveway—instead it went backwards and was stopped by my house, which pushed my open door in the opposite direction it was naturally intended to go.
    • Why did I do this? I kid you not—just to see if I could. Being in high school does not absolve me—this is unforgivably dumb at any age: Which my dad basically told me when I ran inside and asked for his help. He was right.

  3. I threw a rock at my best friend’s head in high school for no apparent reason. It pissed him off.

  4. I was often a thoughtless asshole to my siblings for most of my childhood.
    • It was like I was playing a part, the jerky older brother, and I didn’t question my role. There was nothing to question: my understanding was that this is what older brothers do. Then it hit me one night when I was 17 what I was doing. That was too long to realize.

  5. I once cheated my friends in a poker game by hiding cards under my ass.
    • OH WAIT NO I DIDN’T. This is one of the bitterest sources of contention that I have with my buddies. One late poker night in college I got up to go to the bathroom and there JUST HAPPENED to be an ace sitting on my chair when I got up. I was accused of cheating. I defended myself at the top of my lungs. Much was made of the fact that it was an ace card; all agreed that if it was any other card then they would have believed me. They claimed the ace put the truth to my lie. When my appeal fell on deaf ears, and a motion was being issued for my removal from the game, I dashed everyone’s chips across the table so no one could have fun if I couldn’t. It was a COINCIDENCE! and if I am not fully exonerated then I will have this phrase chiseled into my headstone. I’ll chisel it in myself, then lie down and die; upset.

  6. I asked a girl out in college when she was clearly not vibing me.
    • The worst part was, she really wasn't my style and there was no way a relationship could have blossomed. I just thought she was cute. Well Jason, that’s fine, but that’s not a good enough reason to ask someone out. So I asked her out and she pretended like it never happened and didn’t talk to me much after that. I had called her and left her a voicemail saying me and my roommate were going to watch "Matchstick Men" and that she should join us. Asking a girl to come alone to an apartment with two men and watch a Nicolas Cage movie, in the dark? I guess that is pretty creepy.
      • Some people are confused by this because maybe they, or someone they know, ask people out that they don’t know, all the time. I never operated this way. I didn’t “pick women up,” nor did I try. I wanted to, but I just didn’t have it in me. 

  7. I attempted an acrobatic leap: over a ditch, at night, in winter, onto ice, while drunk.
    •  I rolled my ankle. I don’t think I broke anything. Might have torn something. I don’t know because I didn’t go to the doctor (I didn’t have healthcare but that’s not why I didn’t go; dudes just don’t go to the doctor unless they turn yellow or their heart falls out of their chest). I think it took well over a year until my ankle felt like normal again. 

  8. Bought a condo.
    • Oh, God. My face gets a little hot every time I think about it. It didn’t help that it was 2007, the real estate market at its zenith. It didn’t help that the HOA dues were $330 a month (but the topiaries were beautiful!). Just don’t ever do it. Unless you’re going to live there. Forever. And you’re not into that whole “bang for your buck” thing.

  9. Visit Australia.
    • Well that’s not necessarily a bad thing—allow me to explain. The series of events that led to the ill-fated trip to Australia that you need to avoid were this: Date an Australian foreign exchange student. Then try the long distance thing when she goes home. Then buy non-refundable plane tickets to visit her. Then have her cheat on you. Then go anyway and stay at her parents’ house. Yep. But I actually don’t regret this one because going to Australia was awesome. But it is hard to keep my dignity in tact when I think about how loser-ish the whole scenario was.

  10. Date your teacher. 
    • No, it’s not as bad as it sounds. She was only a professor at my community college, never my actual professor. It was after I attended. She was actually awesome, but c’mon, I should have known that wasn’t a good idea.

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