You always know you're heading in the right direction when you think to yourself, "boy, I really don't want to write this down, much less upload it to the world wide web."
Well, actually, that's either a sign that you're headed in the right direction--or, I suppose it could also be a sign that you are heading the very wrong direction. I choose to believe the former, though I have no rock solid, scientific evidence, but only a subjective sense that the difficult and scary is worth more than the commonplace and easy. If I don't want to write it, it means that it costs me something to do so.
I got a taste of success--and it set me back two months.
Trust me I understand it wasn't that big of a deal. But I got a piece published on that blog, and I was so happy for myself. Wow, outside validation. I average about .3 non-spam blog comments per post, I don't seem to make much of a discernible splash in my online life, but someone thought that I didn't suck so bad that a piece of mine couldn't be published on their site. Wow.
And then the horse crap sets in. I didn't recognize it for what it was, but I went ahead and sabotaged myself. What do I write about now? How do I top that? Do I keep with the same subject, or do I write about something else because I don't want to beat a dead horse? What do people want to hear from me? Are they tired of hearing about me write about church/religion? People don't give much of a shit about church, probably best to shut up about it.
Friend, if you want to sabotage yourself, be like me for the last few months. Fear addled, doubting, self-pitying...so on and so on.
I guess I choose to publish this because it is a form of self therapy. Exorcise the demons. Negative things delight in the dark, better to drag them out into the light of day, where they tend to die on the vine. Want to stop cheating on your wife? Tell her, that oughta bring it to a quick end (unless you're a REAL sicko, and I know you're out there). Want to stop doubting yourself? Embarrass yourself and tell the whole world your struggle--you can't do too many of these mea culpas before you have to level with yourself and say, "shit or get off the pot already."
I'm trying to shit.