Sunday, June 24, 2012

16 Things You Need To Hear

I'm a scribbler. Whether it's on my hand, or, more preferably, on a stray scrap of paper, I'm jotting down mini-inspirations as they strike me. Most of them never make it to press, so this is my effort to do them justice. The following are stray thoughts I've jotted down that have issued from my unwell mind:

  1. Short story idea about a really spooky office guy who starts saying strange, quasi-philosophical things--boss won't fire b/c of unemployment tax...golden.
  2. Jess b-day--in the beginning--mouth-watering guide to everything. (Wow, wish I had even a vague idea of what this one meant.)
  3. Alienation--study it, that's what you are.
  4. I was very proud of my non self-disclosure--until I saw someone else do it and it infuriated me.
  5. Explore the unfortunate fact that perception is everything.
  6. Modern art--
    1. I haven't gotten over it.
    2. Proudly philistine.
    3. Open rebellion.
    4. Angry.
      1. I need to stop trying to figure it out. You can't know why it's happening and you can't reason and logic it out.
  7. Secret weapon on Lost. Review!!!
  8. Some ppl speak of God as someone who resides in their pocket--stay away from that.
  9. The gov is watching, one left a Pez dispenser in my undy drawer...never mind, I forgot I got that for xmas.
  10. Christianity--It's either pathology or absolute truth. I just don't know if pathology can be that productive and last that long.
  11. Blog idea: H. Potter v.s. Lost on how to tell a story, meaning, blah blah...
  12. We have stopped warning people about the mendacious nature of their hearts--we're sending them out there naked.
  13. There is only one way to be happy--be whatever it is we are supposed to be. We must take a stand.
  14. New blog series: Stuff that is bothering me this week--people that bitch about fluorescent lighting.
  15. What if you got to the end of your life and you found out that pasta could feel? What would your reaction be? All I'm saying is that maybe we should play things a little safer than we do. Is there any way to prove this isn't true? People will tell you that it isn't possible to prove a negative, but if you pay attention you will notice that this advice usually comes from inept lawyers.
  16. A guy is paying the attendant for parking and he says, "You know, I've never been murdered, but I imagine this is what it feels like," and he quickly drives off. 
And here is a note that I preserved, written to me semi-anonymously at my previous place of employment:

Please put seat down on toilet.

thank you


Saturday, June 9, 2012

How Do You Find A Church?

Awhile ago I had posted a blog with the above title. It mysteriously disappeared from my site, catching the attention of no one (but if let the ringing apathy that I feel from the universe directed at this blog affect me I would have stopped after my third post).

The reason I took it down is because it had been accepted for publication by the Burnside Writers Collective, a website I have been following for years.

So this is your notice that the piece is back on the web, just in a much more exciting location. So go check it out!

How Do You Find A Church?

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Last Day of a Decade

Tonight my watch will strike midnight, and that will end my third decade of life. It is with cautious optimism that I step into my 30s, hoping I can be a little more consistent in this decade. Self reflection in blog format is often so indulgent, but if not now, when? Ending a decade and beginning another is certainly cause to stop have a look around.

First of all, let's get one thing straight: I don't feel like I'm getting old because I'm turning 30. Americans fear aging like the caveman must have feared the saber tooth, but I like to think I have a little more dignity than to fear a mathematical certitude. But among my kind (by this I refer to American boys), this fear has filtered all the way down to the not even fully grown. This fear of growing old has even infected myself.

There are two ways to fear growing old. There is the fear of death, that one is obvious, and then there is the fear of responsibility. My generation has avoided the fear of responsibility by attempting to extend childhood, and childish behavior, well into their 20s. Much of my generation labors under the misapprehension that once you marry and settle down, you are basically signing onto your slow death.

If that were true then you would be right to try and avoid it. And for many it is true. Why? Because life is what you make it. Life is an art, you've got to put some time and thought and effort into it if you want a good one. It is also a grind. The average person has 30,000 days to put in before they shuffle off to the undiscovered country--I don't know about you, but I find that a bit daunting. As Earl Partridge said, "Life ain't short, it's long. It's long, goddamn it." (Please pardon Earl's language, he's old and cantankerous and on his deathbed, it's hard to blame him.) I've tried to fight against this extension of childhood. I failed miserably in my early 20s. I've tried to do better since then. Getting married helped. But there has been a residual demon that I have not done a good job of fighting.

I find it hard to think of myself as a Man. My dad is a Man. My father-in-law is a Man. Guys who are generally older than me are Men, but I have found it hard to feel as if I am one myself. I do not feel like I am still a boy, but I feel somehow trapped in the between place where things are awkward and I don't know where to put my hands, so to speak. There was one point where I started looking around, started sizing things up, but then it faded. The sensation of being a Man has come, for me, in fits and starts.

But now it is time to put childish things away. If I am to be 30, then I simply have no choice but to be a Man.

If not now, when?