Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Alaska In My Crosshairs

For some unknown reason I launched into a tirade against the state of Alaska on Twitter today. I thought I would document it here just in case the authorities will want to investigate if, God forbid, something terrible should happen to Alaska in the next few days and I turn up as a suspect:
Holy crap, Alaska is more than twice the size of Texas. Wrap your mind around THAT.

All that Texas bluster about big this and big that, Alaska is like “I crush you now” and just rolls over.

I’d consider moving to Alaska if they’d do something about the FREEZING TO DEATH and BEAR MAULINGS.

I had a friend vacation in Alaska. He came back with no arms. He said the Grizzly was “nice about it, though.” Whatever that means.

Welcome to Alaska, here is your bazooka that fires bullets that bounce off grizzly head. Best chance 4 survival is 2 stay out of the outside

Alaska is not known as a cultural hub, but if u kidnapped a lot of celebs and artists and forced them to live there that would soon change.

Real estate is dirt cheap in Alaska, but you have to build your own runway to fly your plane to the supermarket & video store.

Alaska is the weird brother-in-law of states: they don’t talk much and you rarely know what they’re up to, but you know it’s not good.

I might move to Alaska someday, but it will be b/c I was bound & gagged at 3 a.m. and dragged there, so I’m not looking forward to it.

I don’t mean to hate, I know I would think it was beautiful, but then I’d look down & say “great, my ass is froze to the toilet seat again.”

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