Monday, March 21, 2011

Your Past Will Haunt You

I had the emotional misfortune of stumbling across some old writings of mine. Being the masochist that you know me to be, I found it only natural to post what I found for the world to see.

Can you read it and catch fragmented glimpses of a troubled youth, a boy desperately searching for love in all the wrong places, prostrating himself at the alter of teenage angst and whimsy, possibly careening towards a dismal future of broken relationships and alimony fraught woes? Yes. Or you can just be momentarily entertained and move on with your day. I suggest the latter; it took awhile to get there, but the story turns out ok in the end.

I render it as originally composed, in the irrevocable all caps. This was written circa 1995, when I was in the eighth grade:

HURT

SHE KEEPS ON SAYING THAT I HAVE TO GO OUT WITH HER. AND I KNOW I WANT TO. BUT I CAN'T, HAPPINESS IS RIGHT THERE AND I CAN'T GRASP IT BECAUSE OF PRIDE. SHE KEEPS CRYING AND SAYING THAT IF I LOVED HER I WOULD GO OUT WITH HER. IF SHE EVER READ THIS SHE WOULD PROBABLY BE MAD AT ME. I CAN'T JUST GO BACK OUT WITH HER EVEN THOUGH I WANT IT SO BAD. AND I KNOW THAT ITS HURTING HER BUT ITS HURTING ME TOO. EVEN THOUGH I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING THIS I'M FEELING PRESSURE FROM MY PARENTS TO NOT GO OUT WITH HER. THAT'S PRETTY ROTTEN BUT ITS TRUE. I'M SO LONELY AND NOBODY CARES. NOBODY WANTS ME EXCEPT FOR SUZI AND I CAN'T HAVE HER, AT LEAST FOR RIGHT NOW. I NEED HER MORE THAN ANYTHING. KIDS AT SCHOOL JUST MAKE ME SICK. IT'S AMAZING, THEY DON'T CARE WHAT THEY ARE SAYING, THEY HAVE NO MORALS. THEY RESPECT NO ONE'S PRIVACY. SUZI AND I CAN'T BE LEFT ALONE FOR 5 MINUTES. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME LAST NIGHT. THERE IS THIS GIRL NAMED AMBER JAMES. THIS ONE PROBABLY HURT THE MOST. I HAD TALKED TO HER ONCE BEFORE ON THE PHONE AND I KIND OF LIKED HER. SOMEBODY CALLED TWICE AND HUNG UP BOTH TIMES. I CALLED HER TO SEE IF SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WAS DOING IT. SHE SAID NO, THEN SHE SAID SHE WAS EATING DINNER AND ASKED IF SHE COULD CALL ME BACK. I WAS SO EXITED (sic), I WAS GOING TO GET TO TALK WITH SOMEONE BESIDES SUZI. WHEN I TALKED TO HER AT SCHOOL SHE WAS ALWAYS NICE AND TALKATIVE, AND JOKED AROUND WITH ME. I STAYED IN MY ROOM FOR ABOUT TWO STRAIGHT HOURS. SHE NEVER CALLED, I THOUGHT OH WELL NO BIG DEAL HER MOM WAS PROBABLY ON THE PHONE, EVEN THOUGH I WAS DISAPPOINTED AND HURTING INSIDE. THEN TODAY AT SCHOOL SHE SAID HI AND EVERYTHING, BUT NOT LIKE SHE USED TO, IT WAS MORE OUT OF SYMPATHY. THAT JUST MADE ME SICK, THERE IS NOTHING I HATE MORE THAN SYMPATHY TOWARDS ME. THEN LATER TODAY I WAS TALKING TO SUZI. AND SHE HAD TALKED TO AMBER. SHE SAID AMBER SAID THAT SHE PURPOSELY DIDN'T CALL ME BACK, SHE SAID SHE COULD NEVER GO OUT WITH ME. IT WAS LIKE A DAGGER GOING THROUGH MY HEART. GOOD THING I DIDN'T LIKE HER THAT MUCH. SHE'S SUCH A JERK I'LL TRY TO NOT EVER TALK TO HER AGAIN, SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO LIE ABOUT IT. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE, RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRETTY TOUGH THINGS TO DEAL WITH. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT SUZI, I JUST WANT TO LEAVE, LEAVE ALL PRESSURES OF EVERYTHING.

2 comments:

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

Love it! You were such a passionate 8th grader, my dear. ;D

tom deslongchamp said...

I love this part:

IT WAS LIKE A DAGGER GOING THROUGH MY HEART. GOOD THING I DIDN'T LIKE HER THAT MUCH.