Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Rage Against the Q

As a generally good person, really a moral paragon, I try not to go poking my nose in other people's business. Life and issues are complicated, situations multifaceted, and as things go it is certainly best to just live and let live. But three years ago I embarked on a study, which then sparked a journey, which in turn morphed into a quest, which has lead me to this keyboard—and now I sit here, poised to write the most important blog I've ever written.

We need to get rid of Q.

I know you're shocked, please understand that on the eve of my breakthrough I was just as panic stricken as you now are. But you must trust the scholarship that I have poured into this. It all started when, going about the course of a normal day, it occurred to me that Q is quite an awkward and seemingly useless thing—the already deeply entrenched K makes the Q plainly redundant—the kwik kween kwivered at the thought of the kwest. Now that you've read that, now that you've seen how easily, how seamlessly, the K replaces the Q, I'm afraid that for you, like me, there is no going back.

Think about it, they didn't use Q back in olden times. And consider this, there is no equivalent letter for Q in Greek, Hebrew, Vulcan or Esperanto. Why all of a sudden was there an influx of Q and Q-related paraphernalia in the last 200 years? Let me tell you why: Noah Webster. My theory is that Mr. Webster (yes, of Merriam-Webster) was a hard-driving megalomaniac who wanted to show his power knew no limits, he could even conjure a letter into the common lexicon if he so chose. He infused his dictionary with these cockamamie Q words and no one has ever had the guts to call him out on it. Why? Well, would you question God? Of course you wouldn't, the same goes for the guy who writes the dictionary—what higher authority can you appeal to? Can I prove that any of this is true? Of course I can't, you can't prove a conspiracy theory, you simply know in your heart that it's true. Now here we are. His descendants have only served to drive us deeper into the madness.

Words beginning with Q are up 70% over the last 17 fiscal quarters, but these words are not being issued out of need—they're being subsidized in artificial fashion to satisfy the word-thirsty cravings of a maniacal djinn ego, nowhere to go but the trash heap of the English language (quai? qubit? quoit? you know you've never used this nonsense). Webster has tried to create a market for the mongoloid Q, but like all the others, that market, too, is crashing. Now that Q has been exposed it should be left to languish with other obsolete creations of English such as wisdom, modesty and financial prudence (or "financial prudence" as it is better understood).

New marching orders are being given, direct action is now the order of the day, our new slogan? "There is nothing a Q can do that a K kaint." And to say otherwise is a racist anachronism, a hurtful stereotype and an insult to our linguistic heritage.

F Q.

Editor's note: In the interest of full disclosure it has to be pointed out that not only has the author of this diatribe purchased serious stock in K, he has also taken out numerous credit swap defaults on Q.