Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Finally, a Hero

My intellect frequently produces such blazing feats of insight that there are certain people who must remain out of any tri-county area I may be in so they are not stricken with a spontaneous nosebleed.

To be forewarned is to be forearmed, so I am not responsible if the following discovery causes you harm:

It's the most popular book of all time, and yet I don't recall ever reading a review of it. I'm speaking of course of God's very word, The Holy Bible. It is nothing short of a miscarriage of justice that you and I (tax paying Americans no less!) have been deprived of such a necessity.

You've been failed by The New York Review of Books, the stuffy writers of the world (there is no other kind), and your very government as well.

All this to announce that I shall right the wrong. Is it dangerous to critique and prod the very written words of the Author of the Universe? Of course it is. But all before me have been too timid, too cowardly, and it has been lain upon my shoulders to fix (on account of the insightfulness what I was telling you about). I shall be incisive; if I feel the prose is lagging in areas, I will let you know. If I feel it's preachy, or rambling in spots, I will let you know.

It's the Lord God Almighty's handiwork, a thousands of years old supernaturally produced document, it needs a reviewer equal to the task--you're welcome, friends.

Editor's Note: Jason DesLongchamp has never written a  book review and has never been formally published, his forthcoming review of The Bible will be his first.

~Sent From My Cool Phone

2 comments:

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

OH WOW. We are in for a treat. What that is going to be very exciting. I await with bated breath. ;D

Nathan Birkebak said...

In His debut (and as of yet, only) novel/biography/autobiography/historical epic/literary anthology/collection of poems and short stories God lays out a truly stupendous, if not dizzying tale of wonder, intrigue and long, long lists of things and people. The book begins with Hebrew poetry and ends with a baffling apocalyptic vision penned in Greek. The non-chronological story telling employed by God winds its way in and out of the lives of myriad bastards and screw-ups before the central protagonist, Yeshua, is finally introduced in the final few hundred pages. After a climactic surprise twist in Yeshua’s life, the book changes tone and presents the reader with a series of afterwords in the form of open letters by periphery characters.
While some have dismissed it as a throwback to the ancient adventure epic genre (i.e. Homer, Virgil, etc.), many have hailed the content of its narrative as a potent deconstruction of humanistic socio-religious power structures. That’s not to say you have to be a scholar to appreciate the Bible; since its publication the book has spawned an eclectic fan-base, including both bookish intellectuals and quasi-literate suburban teenagers who need a new reason to act like they’re better than their peers now that Twilight has become passé.
While many passages are reminiscent of fairy tales and moral fables, the book, in its entirety, is definitely not recommended for children or for those with conservative religious values; the more shocking thematic elements discussed in the text include sex, substance abuse, obscenity, prostitution, gruesome violence and the Gospel.