Saturday, July 3, 2010

Culling The Archives

Cleaning out my draft folder in my email account. I have 104 of them. Because of the highly accesible nature of email I often use it as a place to store Thoughts to Myself, story ideas, and of course, like all of us, searing tirades to friends, family and coworkers that, thankfully, never saw the click of the send button.

As I've never made any bones about who I am and what you mean to me, I thought I would put some of these intimate key strokes on display for the bored reader. Is this cheap, uninteresting and dull? Perhaps—but that's never stopped me before.

Draft dated 5/21/2006, entitled "One Crappy Poem":

I am a mess of broken keys.

haphazard pretentions to flight

achieving half-off dinner tokens, but

nothing so valuable as a decent

measure of respect from friends/family.

Draft dated 3/30/2006:

How to get rid of your girlfriend
1) just be yourself
2) treat her like one of the guys, and get mad at her whenever she doesn't act like one.

Draft dated 1/1/2008:

You know how every once in awhile someone will come along and say, "You know, life was really great in the 50's, we need to get back to that"? And then invariably someone will come along and say, "Oh yeah, it was really great for black people back then," only you can tell they don't really mean it and they're being sarcastic.

Anyway, we waste a lot of time here in America having that argument, so I am proposing a solution. From now on, when you want to appeal to the 50's as the heighth of domestic American social achievement you should said this: "You know, life was really great in the 50's—minus all the bad stuff." If you say that then you completely cut off the counter-argument, because you can just say "Yeah racism is bad, so I'm saying we shouldn't have that."
There is just no coming back from that shut down. Think of all the time that could be saved! No longer do we have to trifle with the demagogic riposts of the intellectually lazy. The 50's can be ours again to reference ad nauseum as a paragon of societal excellence.

Draft dates 1/14/209

An inside look at Jason's playbook: i didn't mean to post this, but since i did, you can benefit.
Bone up on the Korean war. You see, no one ever talks about this war, so if you sound like you know what you're talking about people will say, "Wow, he even knows about the Korean war, obviously he is a master.
start saying "But is it really?" after everything everyone says. If not immediately obvious it will be taken as deeply philosophical, which is good.

And from today:

I am just so confused. I have to state plainly that I don't understand taste. I do not understand what leads one person to enjoy one book for certain specific reasons, and why still another will hate that same book for those reasons or maybe even others. After you've experienced enough of this you want to fold you hands, slowly get up from the table, and quietly slink out of the room. You end up feeling like the only argument you're really having is, "My taste is better than you taste." If this is true then there is no meaning, but only what meaning you assign. In this universe dialogue seems pointless


Jenée Elizabeth said...

But is it, really?

Anonymous said...

I hope none of those searing tirades were for me. :) A ME

Anonymous said...

How to lose your girlfriend made me laugh out loud.

JD said...

Thanks anonymous, always glad to hear it!