My hand was forced.
It was an inevitable thing that I could generate a thousand excuses for within minutes. I just can't see how it could have gone any other way.
I tried, and I tried hard to avoid it. I elected for the lesser cost at first. Yeah, I knew it would be slower, but who cares, I can live with slower, right? But this was really slow. I mean, like, at times worse than dial-up.
And it wasn't just the dinosaur slowness. It was also that I just, that I just, that I just plain old missed It. I missed not having the ability to flip It on and be comforted, and be un-alone, and be...you guessed it, normal.
I was able to hold out for approximately 3 weeks. And tonight it just became too much. The internet was taking at least 30 seconds to load a page. And, probably the worst thing I can imagine: Lost is on right now as we speak, and I have no way to access it. Lost is on channel 4: CHANNEL FOUR! Even bums have channel 4. Even little TVs you can by for .99 cents and have a screen that's half an inch wide have channel 4.
But I don't have channel 4. I wanted to be intellecktual. I wanted to be erudite. People that I admire don't have television. John Piper, Michael Medved, Neil Postman—these men don't watch television, and they claim they're the wiser and smarter for it. And I believe them.
But I realized tonight that I just can't be one of them. I want to, I really do. But then I think about missing Lost, I think about missing Office and missing The Soup and missing Giada...and even missing SNL even though I've hated it for a decade—and I feel lonely. Don't be fooled, this is confession of weakness. I'm a lesser man for needing It, for needing television and ripping fast internet, but I can't get beyond it.
So after 17 minutes of waiting for seattletimes.com to load, something just kind of broke inside me. The next thing I knew my phone was in my hand and I was dialing my junkie.
One year at 100 channels and 16 mbps for $66/mo—I'm sorry but you'd have to be at full nutbar to pass that up.
And I'm not smart enough or strong enough or articulate enough to be that nuttish.
p.s. This is Jason's subconscious and I just want you to know that right now Jason is praying and thanking Jesus for the amazing and mind-bending deals that Comcast is able to offer and he's asking that the Lord would see His way clear to somehow allow Jason to keep cable and "ripping" fast internet after the promo is up. I think this is sick, I think this is wrong, and I know Jason didn't want me to expose him like this but I feel that I have to for his own good and the good of his family.