Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Creature Chronicles: The Weight of Glory

The Eve of Week Eight:

For awhile I thought that tragedy had struck: clearly our bank account had been frauded.

How else to explain $17 at the ice cream shop, $10 at Happy Teriaki and $9 at Chipotle on the same day, $7 at Dino's and $5 at Emerald City Smoothie (same day), Burger King and McDonalds and crud from Safeway.

You don't believe me, neither did I, so here is living proof:

07/20/09PURCHASE 90630717023361844262401 ON 07/17 AT MCDONALD'S F411 BURIEN WA-$2.51
07/20/09PURCHASE 90630718041672144262401 ON 07/18 AT BURGER KING 6782 TUKWILA WA-$3.07
07/20/09PURCHASE 90620718001658744262401 ON 07/18 AT SAFEWAY STORE 1 BURIEN WA-$5.00
07/20/09PURCHASE 90630718018713644262401 ON 07/18 AT EMERALD CITY SMOOTHIE BURIEN WA-$5.50
07/20/09PURCHASE 90630717009995544262401 ON 07/17 AT JAMBA JUICE #1099 TUKWILA WA-$6.71
07/20/09PURCHASE 90630718027169844262401 ON 07/18 AT DINOS GYROS BURIEN WA-$7.00
07/20/09PURCHASE 90630716003421544262401 ON 07/16 AT CHIPOTLE 1144 TUKWILA WA-$8.91
07/20/09PURCHASE 90630716011897644262401 ON 07/16 AT HAPPY TERIYAKI REST TUKWITA WA-$10.00
07/20/09PURCHASE 90620718020963144262401 ON 07/18 AT SAFEWAY STORE 1 SEA TAC WA-$21.76
07/20/09PURCHASE 90630718034544244262401 ON 07/18 AT STANFORDS-SOUTH CTR SEATTLE WA-$38.45
07/15/09PURCHASE 90630714031176244262401 ON 07/14 AT COLDSTN CREAM #0408 TUKWILA WA-$15.93
07/16/09PURCHASE 90630714004602544262401 ON 07/14 AT TACO BELL #4574 BURIEN WA-$2.05
07/16/09PURCHASE 90630714025164644262401 ON 07/14 AT BURGER KING 6782 TUKWILA WA-$3.95

Yes, that is an actual screen shot of our bank account*.
But no, that isn't the work of thieves, it's the work of a pregnant woman. Jess has gotten crap all of her life for being "too skinny." Jealous women assume/hope she's anorexic or bulimic so they can feel better about themselves. So far several people have commented to me that Jess needs to pack in the calories and put on some weight, so I wanted to submit to you living proof that SHE'S TRYING WITH ALL HER MIGHT!

I wanted to do our weekly photo shoot with Jess, but she's got the tired bug, so I got even better shots of her sleeping like the beautiful angel that she is:

FYI—My plan for the Creature Chronicles series was to always get Jessica's permission before posting one of these blogs. In her comatose state that just wasn't possible tonight; if you don't find me at all tomorrow, or you find me in too many pieces, you all will know why.

*Ok, yes, I will freely admit that the numbers referring to the total in our bank account have been doctored for privacy reasons: whether they have been raised or lowered I will refuse to comment on; you will have to make that judgment for yourself.


Jason Dean said...

Let me just take this opportunity to say that I HATE formatting issues!! And if anyone knows how to fix that big old gap it would be much appreciated.

Jason Dean said...

Ha, figured it out--thanks me!

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

You are so eternally evil.

And I did not buy all of those on the same day!!! They just came out of our account on the same day, and some of that fast food was YOU, AND you know very well the Chipotle was for the guacamole and chips we brought to SOMA!!!

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

But... pretty much you're right, I've been a REAL fat ass lately (apologies). It's just that so much of the time all I can stand to think about eating is saltines so when the urge hits me to actually eat something real (even if it's real crap, hahahaa)... well, let's just say I haven't done a lot of denying.

Thanks for publicly humiliating me, Husband. ;)
Ilu still, I guess... haha.

Sarah said...

Thanks for making me laugh my ass off at work.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my Jessica! OK, try this. Have my wonderful nephew buy you a can of nectarine juice. Get it very cold and sip just a little no gulping! See if that will help keep things down. Hey, if not, at least you gave it a shot!
I am so excited for the both of you! I can hardly wait.
Love you two very much
Aunt Darlene