Sunday, May 31, 2009

Weakness: Uncovering Addiction

I've finally allowed myself to admit what my heart has known for a very long time: I have a problem with food. My main problem is that it is hard for me to stop eating it.

A lot of times I'll be eating and I'll think, "Boy Jason, you're not even hungry anymore, you should stop eating." My mind tells me that, but I just keep chunking away—like a chunker.

One of the red flags is that I feel like my life will not be good enough if I don't get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm no psychologist, but I feel like that's not good. I also have a inordinate fear of being hungry. I feel like if I have smaller portions then I'll just walk around hungry all the time, and that is unimaginable.

I've also been thinking about it, and I've realized that I derive a lot of approval from my eating habits. People laugh at me and/or are impressed when I go for my fourth plate of pasta/steak/Funions or whatever. My mom and my wife love it (love me) when I pig out on their food, so I am all to0 happy to oblige.

Also, when I am in the middle of eating, and I think to myself that maybe I should stop, I go into attack dog mode. Theoretically speaking, I get a low, guttural growl in my throat, I hunker and my ears go out to the sides in attack dog mode; if you try to take away my plate (and this warning includes myself) you're probably going to lose an Adam's Apple.

The following is a list of photographs that should have been red flags to the people who love me:

Too happy.

Again, too happy.

On this one Jess didn't even believe that I was eating because I was moving so quickly. She had to snap a picture when she thought that maybe I was taking a bite to even see if it was true.

I think it's also a red flag that this picture turns me on:

So it's a whole new life for me now. I have to commit to smaller portions. I have to commit to less red meat. I have to be ok with less. I have to say no to free food (something I've never actually done). I cannot possibly do this, which is why I'm going to have to cling to Jesus like he's a life preserver—and I'm not used to doing that, so it's going to be interesting.

And, maybe someday, if I'm lucky, no more crazed look in my eyes when I'm around food:


p.s. If you want to know more about me and my kind you can go here and learn all about it.

No comments: