Sunday, May 31, 2009

Weakness: Uncovering Addiction

I've finally allowed myself to admit what my heart has known for a very long time: I have a problem with food. My main problem is that it is hard for me to stop eating it.

A lot of times I'll be eating and I'll think, "Boy Jason, you're not even hungry anymore, you should stop eating." My mind tells me that, but I just keep chunking away—like a chunker.

One of the red flags is that I feel like my life will not be good enough if I don't get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I'm no psychologist, but I feel like that's not good. I also have a inordinate fear of being hungry. I feel like if I have smaller portions then I'll just walk around hungry all the time, and that is unimaginable.

I've also been thinking about it, and I've realized that I derive a lot of approval from my eating habits. People laugh at me and/or are impressed when I go for my fourth plate of pasta/steak/Funions or whatever. My mom and my wife love it (love me) when I pig out on their food, so I am all to0 happy to oblige.

Also, when I am in the middle of eating, and I think to myself that maybe I should stop, I go into attack dog mode. Theoretically speaking, I get a low, guttural growl in my throat, I hunker and my ears go out to the sides in attack dog mode; if you try to take away my plate (and this warning includes myself) you're probably going to lose an Adam's Apple.

The following is a list of photographs that should have been red flags to the people who love me:

Too happy.

Again, too happy.

On this one Jess didn't even believe that I was eating because I was moving so quickly. She had to snap a picture when she thought that maybe I was taking a bite to even see if it was true.

I think it's also a red flag that this picture turns me on:

So it's a whole new life for me now. I have to commit to smaller portions. I have to commit to less red meat. I have to be ok with less. I have to say no to free food (something I've never actually done). I cannot possibly do this, which is why I'm going to have to cling to Jesus like he's a life preserver—and I'm not used to doing that, so it's going to be interesting.

And, maybe someday, if I'm lucky, no more crazed look in my eyes when I'm around food:

p.s. If you want to know more about me and my kind you can go here and learn all about it.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Seattle Distinctives: Folk Life 2009

The Folk Life Festival is a time for adults to be children, and children to follow them closely with cameras. It's a time for some to indulge their latent pagan yearnings by dressing in dinge and dancing to strange rhythms; still others gratify certain childhood remembrances of things past and strip down to their underwear and run through a fountain (please read to the end for the payoff on that line). Whatever your thing is, be sure that you may flaunt it unashamedly at the Seattle Folk Life Festival.

The trip could not have started off any better, and of course by that I mean that we got free parking.

Why so glum? Jessica was sure that we would be towed, and if not that we were at least doing something illegal. I maintained no way—if a bank is not open then their parking is free game. Yes the tow sign is there, I do not deny that, but it is only there to scare people during business hours. In the end my car was exactly where we left it: one point me.

This is a family band, can you dig that? Haven't there been enough made for TV movies and blurbs of brother-slaying-family in the local section of the paper that parents have learned not to do this kind of a thing to a poor, unassuming child? Apparently not.

Next we spent some time at the fountain—a Folk Life must for anybody who is anybody. I am very proud to say that I have never actually ran around in the fountain and that all these years I have only been a voyeur (maybe I mucked around in it when I was a child, but I don't count my childhood as I was so dumb back then compared to what I am now that I can hardly stand it and refuse to hold those things against myself).

First up we have Free Spirit Hippie Lady:

If you haven't seen her or someone like her running through the fountain at FL then clearly you've never been to FL—if you insist that you haven't then get your peepers checked and let me know the result. Hippie Lady is a FL must, and she always has an all too eager boy toy to share in the fun...lucky them.

Next is Guy Pretending To Get His Kid Wet:

This guy did a particularly bad job and got his child and himself totally drenched. Must be a newbie.

Next we have Way Over-Prepared Guy:

He clearly has been working out in anticipation for this day. He showed up in swimming trunks and he isn't eight—he has negated everything he was working for by tipping his hand and showing how excited he was for this opportunity to flaunt himself. Fail.

Finally we have Cutest Kid of the Day:

Usually it's a baby in a diaper running around with the glee of someone who has just won the lottery, so I called that out to Jess beforehand. But I was wrong. The three-quarter length overalls are what put this child over the top.

Also extra bonus points because from behind the kid looks like Mickey Rourke from
The Wrestler.

I really do wonder how many men think I'm some kind of a psycho because I let, and even encouraged, my wife to go up and hug this stranger:

It helps that I could have snapped him like a twig, and who could hate that pretty boy face? She probably liked him because he reminded her of Zac Efron.

Look at that freaking dread. Did you see it? Ok, that's all I wanted was just for you to see it. Freaky...

So this hillbilly looking freak show band from Olympia called
Hail Seizure had this chick who was just there to dance to their freaky-ass music. Weird huh?

Can't you tell that I was having the time of my life?

I was only mad because we had to wait about 15 minutes for a Caribbean chicken thigh while my Philly Cheese steak got cold.

And finally, the pay off. Here is what you all really came to see. I think that in so many ways it defies description, so I will just let it speak for itself:

The one resounding thought for the day: Thank you Jesus that you invented cameras, especially digital ones.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

It's Official: Dogs Are Now People

I read that if you want people to go to your blog you've got to have catchy titles for your posts, hence the nonsense that roped you into reading this claptrap.

But wait, there is a hint of truth to the title. If you've known me for any length of time then you know that I spend large swaths of time wondering on, and surmising, what goes through my dog Gretel's brain. The more I watch and psychoanalyze her the more I realize that dogs are much more complex than my Sunday School and science teachers lead me to believe. But I am only a lowly and (very) unscientific man and no one would listen to my aching and drawn out cries in the darkness about the bum rap that dogs were getting. Much to my everlasting disappointment my voice has not been enough, but help has finally arrived.

Now you no longer need to rely on my rapier intuition to know the inter workings of dog-kind:

Science has proven that dogs have souls!

I guess they are issuing a soul if a thing that breathes is aware that they have moral choices to make; to which I say, "well that's interesting." I mean, I don't know if I buy it or anything, but you've got to admit it's fun to think of doggy souls.

Since I know you're probably not going to read the whole article so let me tell you about my favorite part. One of the ways they detected the existence of canine morals was that when the doggies play, the ones who nip and bite too hard get excluded from playtime. They also signal to each other when they get together and get all riled up that it's all in good fun.

Makes me feel a little bit better about the fact that if I had been born a dog (which I sometimes think about) I would enjoy myself more than I previously thought I would.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

Well, it was the best of days, and it was the worst of days.

No not really. I think it was a good day. The weather decided to be bad but not too bad, and I got to spend time with family in one form or another all day.

But I have to share with you my favorite part of today, and that is Jessica's gift to her mama.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Final Dispatch From the Edge

Day 87, the last:

Amos 5:24—But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.

And so it comes to a close. To the chagrin of some, the delight of many, and the bitter-sweet rejoicement of your humble blogger, I have found a job. It is just the slightest bit of bitter-sweet because I did enjoy rolling out to you my exaggerated fears, my daily activities that spooled out from the roll like so much wasted toilet paper and all the little moments in between.

A job has found me and it has found me well; tomorrow shall mark my reentry into the world of employment. The sweet nectar of the gods Zeus and Aphrodite have me awash in glorious splendor and various phrasologies course through my mind ("40 hours a week!" "I won't be living on the streets!" "I get to complain about coworkers again!").

Unfortunately Gretel has chosen to spurn me; she's been giving me the cold shoulder ever since I sat her down and explained the change to her.

I just think she has really enjoyed buddying up and getting to know me better, and of course I feel the same way, but things change and I don't know why Gretel can't see that. I'm going to give her a hunk of raw meat and hope that shall suffice for making ammends. I'm sure that it will.

Of course I shall continue to blog, but it shall be as one who is employed, so therefor my sympathy and identification with the lowly and down and out shall begin to atrophe, then erode until I am riding along in a high and mighty carriage and not dropping any crumbs to the lesserthans as I almost run them over without a thought. But what can you do, it's human nature.

Finally, you all are pretty smart people, so I'm sure you know what this new found job means: the unemployment robe shall need to be retired. I hear the screams and cries rippling throughout the greater SeaTukBurDes area and I feel the exact same way. Believe me I do. So I thought I'd leave you with a parting gift.

And the pic is hella symbolic because it's like I'm wearing the robe which symbolizes my unemployment, but underneath I'm pretty much dressed to the nines because I am looking forward to this new chapter in my life of actually becoming a real boy again who has responsibilities and it's deep.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

A Walk With Gretel

I went for a walk with Gretel the other day and I decided to take a camera so that you could be included. This is the kind of thing that I do with her everyday, it gets a little old, so bringing a camera really spices things up.

The first person I saw was my neighbor, Steve.

This is not my neighbor Steve. I would be much too embarrassed to ask for a picture of him (though I'm not embarrassed enough to keep from walking around like I'm a tourist in my own condo complex), so I went and found a picture of someone close to looking like him on Google. I don't know if he has tattoos because I've never seen him in a tank top, but he does have a beard like that. Anyway, he said that he was going to Elma for a pool tournament this weekend—isn't that great? I told him good luck but that I didn't hold out much hope for him, even if you're the number one seed it's still very difficult to win a large tournament. He didn't say anything to that so I kept on going.

Gretel usually does something that brings shame to her and myself, and this time it was peeing in plain sight.

I think that it's shameful to live your life that way and I've been trying to teach her how to pee behind trees or bushes only when she's sure no one is looking. But she is still very openly rebellious and isn't taking to the training. Actually, after this picture she looked right up into my face, eyeballing me, as if to say, "That's right I did it, what of it?" I promptly attempted to kick a 50-yard Gretel goal, but she scurried out of the way just in time.

The next thing I saw was a B.S.B.G.* I stopped dead in my tracks and waited for him to pass.

I know it's still bad, but this is a big improvement from what I used to do. When I used to see one I would throw my wallet on the ground, take three giant steps backwards, hold up my hands and say "I don't want any trouble." (This should be read more as me making fun of the idea of racism than me actually being racist. If you don't read it that way then I'm screwed.)

While I was letting Gretel play around I managed to snap a picture of the evil one's house.

Ok, this part isn't a lie. The old man who lives here has yelled at me and my wife about letting Gretel go on "his lawn" (it's a condo pal, it's all of it our lawn). He has threatened to poison Gretel and he has picked up a stick and threatened me with it. He hasn't given my any crap lately, but I just wanted to document this and officially put him on notice.

The last thing I did was get the mail. See, here is where I get it.

And here is the mail that we got.

But what is not pictured is me making an obscene gesture at my mailbox because it didn't have the DVD that I was expecting to receive. I'm sorry that had to be censored, but I had no choice, it just wasn't Christian of me.

*Big Scary Black Guy: This wasn't actually the black guy that I saw, but as with my other neighbor, I was much to afraid to snap a photograph of this fellow.