Tuesday, March 3, 2009

All the News That's Print to Fit

I've got a problem on my hands. If this blog is going to make it to the big time, we're talking Drudge big, then I'm going to have to do something more. A lot more. It seems that most big blogs are breaking news. It's true that the last thing I broke was a toilet handle, but at least it is some place to build from. But seriously folks, if I'm going to start raking in primo American U.S. dollars then I'm going to have to get down, fairly dirty and starting pedaling the news and information that people crave.

This just in:
What if sugar is bad for you? We all know that it's kind of bad for you, especially your gums (a lot of people try to say it's the teeth; breaking news, that isn't true, sugar is bad for your gums), but what I'm saying is what if it's even worse? All people might want to start eating a lot less sugar because maybe too much will dissolve your liver or give you monkey throat. Or maybe it will bring about early onset Alzheimer's (which happens to be one of my ultimate fears). Best for the general public to stay away until I am allowed to do further research on the subject. Normally I would say that you can trust scientists on this but they have all been compromised.

In other news:
Gretel, my dog, just did this weird thing where she ran around the room, barked twice, then stared straight into my eyes for approximately 30 seconds. She did this once before and then vomited immediately after our sustained eye contact, but so far we're sans vomit.

Yet more news:
I just drank a whole bottle of soda, after 10 p.m., which is so freaking rare for me. I'm better at most people at not drinking pop, and frankly I'm surprised at myself. The problem is that pop contains a lot of sugar, which reportedly is very, very bad for you.

When the world will end:
This is a hot one. A lot of people want to know when the world will end so that they can properly plan for their retirement. The problem is that there are so many theories out there that it is tough to know who to trust on such an important matter. I've done mental interviews* with many of the world's top scientists an theologians, and this has given me some good perspective on the subject. But more importantly I have read the Bible from cover to cover, so there is no one more qualified than myself to tell you when this thing will come to a crashing finale. When the moon cobalances with Africa, and left-aligns with Pluto and Planet X; when arms have evolved to fork and spoon; when God disrupts the longest running comedy act ever; when asteroids need no longer fear: In other words, kiss everyone goodbye, but don't quit your day job.

*Because money, time and staff are short I have to conduct many mental interviews in lieu of real ones. There's really nothing to worry about, they're actually quite accurate. All you do is pose questions to your subject, either in your head or you can write them down, and then you imagine what their responses might be. Not just anyone can do these; you need to be a journalist. If the technique falls into the wrong hands there is no telling the damage that might be done. Like I said, it's a good process, but if dishonest people catch wise, then basically they can put whatever words they wish into the mouths of the most influential people in the planet. (If this does not have you frightened then I'm watching you—you clearly have sociopathic tendencies.)

1 comment:

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

You are a lunatic.
But I still love you.