Monday, March 30, 2009

Dispatches From the Edge: Alternative Career Fair

Day 50:

The days are ticking by and by, and still no jobs rests obvious on the horizon. Soon I will probably have to face the fact that I will not be returning to my normal life. I am going to have to change careers, and the sooner I can accept that the better. The truth is that there are a lot of opportunities out there, I just have to decide which one is right for me.

So I thought I'd do a little preview here, just to get a feel for these things, and see if I hear one of them whispering my name in soft and sweet fashion:

McDonalds CSTM (Customer Service Team Member):

McDonald's numbers are up during this recession, in large part thanks to me, and so they are a very real possibility. I think I can bring a lot to the table for them. I'm a former employee, so I have very relevant experience. Would I be willing to backtrack on my career path all the way to my sophomore year of high school? Of course—that isn't the issue. The issue is how long would it take for some form of passive-aggressive suicide attempt to fully manifest itself. You see, I would never purposely choose suicide—it's morally wrong and can be detrimental to your health. But I wouldn't put it past myself to sort of trick me into it. I don't know if I would lock myself in the walk-in freezer, or if I would submerge my hands in the deep-fat fryer or what, but the bottom line is that I know this would be a potential hazard for me if I worked there.

And maybe it's one of those things where I have to inform them ahead of time. "Hi, I'm really, really excited to be working for your organization. Unfortunately, because I do have a degree in English, because I was making three times as much somewhere else for even less physically and emotionally demanding work, there may be issues with me trying to take my life while on the job. What I can promise you is that as long as I'm here, and I haven't doused myself in lighter fluid and laid myself out on the griddle, then I will be giving 110% the whole time."

Car Detailer: (Hey man—YOU try finding a funny picture of a car detailer—it's not happening.)

For the time being we still have a lot of cars in the United States, so this career path might be a viable option for me. I have experience in the field because who doesn't? I own a vacuum and a car—it was bound to happen. Again, I forsee problems in the passive-aggressive arena. The thing is that I'll throw myself 100% into absolutely anything that I'm doing. If I've got a keyboard in front of me then I'm going to make it melt. If I've got a mop in front of me I'm going to make it sing (?); at the same time a man has limits. I'd say you need between a 3rd or a 4th grade level of education to do this job well. Me in my right mind has no problem with that. I really don't have any pride, and I'll be just thankful to have any job. But my subconscious is another story. I think that my subconscious has some fundamental disagreements with my right mind with respect to how the ship should be ran.

In the end I will not be able to personally guarantee that I will not go burning into the good night on some idle Tuesday after I get behind the wheel of the first Porshe that comes into the shop. I wish this were not so, but I've basically been myself for 26 years so I know how I can sometimes be. I think it will be too much for passive-aggressive Jason to push a vaccuum tube around a bench seat and listen to my coworkers bitch about the real Aholes they have for parole officers. Really, it isn't them and it isn't the job—the problem is me and I wouldn't want to inflict that on an employer.

So I don't know what I'll do. Those are really the only two fields that seem to be hiring right now. I'm not opposed to developing a circus act, but Barnum & Bailey's dental plan is a friggin' joke.


Jessica DesLongchamp said...

Getting rather bitter, are we?
Still laughing about the lighter fluid and the griddle by the way... ;)

Delaware Job Hunters said...

This article reminds me of this quote, "Seasonal unemployment was found to be a state which does not have much employment, for example, rural areas."

But there are career experts who conduct seminars giving advice about the needed skills to compete in today's competitive job market.