Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dispatches From the Edge: Life After Job

Today begins an in depth series, entitled "Dispatches From the Edge," on unemployment that takes a fresh, inside view of the catastrophe. Draw deeply from this first-hand account of one man's struggle to maintain his dignity and sense of hope and worth as he joins the teeming ranks of the jobless losers now swarming the nation. Swathed in a ratty, flesh-colored robe and armed with more time than any healthy man should have, our author clacks out his heart for you below.

Day 1:

Ok, I get it, you had to lay me off—but did you have to do it in front of the entire company? A company wide meeting was called. They asked me to come to the front of the room, unfurled a banner that read: "You've been laid off." Then they ceremoniously picked me up by my collar and the back of my pants and tossed me out the front door. They later apologized but said they needed to do it to boost moral for those who were allowed to stay. I get it. I do. But it still hurts.

Filed my unemployment claim within 1.5 hours of being discontinued—and no, I am not abandoning my conservative principles; I'm getting my own money back that I've pumped into the system, baby.

Day 2:

Today I setup a civil war reenactment on my half of the bedroom. It was pretty uninspired. Of course the North won, and it was just so predictable and so it was depressing.

I watched Kelly Ripa this morning do her thing; are you serious? Is this how it is in the morning? Do we really accept this from the mainstream media? I mean jeeze, she's just hamming it up, having a great time...But she's not that funny. I mean, she's really not that funny at all. And you would think that, you know, ABC could afford to go after someone with more talent.

And then it hit me: People do think she's talented. I mean, look, I know it's hard to believe, but if you watch the numbers then I think you'll see that I'm right. They've had her on for I don't know how many years, and people seem to still keep watching! So some segment of the population, for some reason, must, like, I don't know...enjoy her? Enjoy her pretentious flailings at humor; enjoy her overwrought persona and cornball antics.

I'll have much more to report on this, soon.

1 comment:

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

I have to say that I am truly excited for this daring new series --- despite the necessary pain associated with it.
And if I find you in a robe like that I'm gonna string you up... in love. ;)