Tuesday, January 27, 2009

These Are The Worst Things About Being Human

When pressed I will admit that I enjoy being human. When considering the whole, I am glad that God reached into his Mighty Bag of Tricks and pulled out this blessed, cursed, damnable and strange thing known as humanity. That being said, in case you haven't noticed, there are some down sides to the gig. In exposing these I do not wish to complain, I do not want to anger God, Jesus, liberals or Sandinistas, I only want to initiate a dialogue that will resound about the halls of humanity, cherrished for it's truthiness and verve. I am a humble man, but I am also one of the greatest minds that I know of, so please drink from my well of insight.

These things represent the worst aspects of being a human person:

1. You get songs stuck in your head.

2. People you love become your greatest annoyance and source of anger unless you work very hard to combat this inevitable phenomenon.

3. Jews get picked on relentlessly, mercilously, even though, historically speaking, they really haven't done anything to anyone.

4. Stupid, arrogant and talentless people succeed more often than you would think.

5. Every once in awhile a human like Rod Blagojevich gets born. He's not bad enough to warrant vigilante justice, he's just one step below, and those are the worst human beings to have to deal with.

6. Democracy got invented. As it turns out this was the best possible alternative to anarchy. I mean, it's horrible, but as the man said, the rest of the options are worse. But the largest deficiency in democracy is that you have to listen to so many awful, pointless, braindead opinions that the nasau it creates has to be measured by the ton. If you're paying attention then you're weeping, and if you're not paying attention then you must be really bored.

7. The average person will spend 1.7 years answering wrong numbers.

8. Now matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, occasionally you will step in dog crap. When this happens, as it will, it is best to just burn the shoes. Some people try to clean them, but they're never the same. Never.

9. Going number 2, and the rudimentary technology that accompanies that process.

1 comment:

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

Dude! I finally just read this today and you'll never believe this, guess what I stepped in today?!?! You guessed it, on of the worst things about being a human, stepping in dog crap.
So I guess we're gonna have to have a bonfire later.
Anyway, you are funny, you humble-greatest-mind-that-you-know-of, you.