Wednesday, January 14, 2009

An Inside Look at Jason's Playbook

(I didn't mean to post this, but since i did, you can benefit.)

Hey, Jason, you need to pull your stuff together. In case you haven't noticed, other people are coming across as smarter than you. People generally seem more reflective, insightful and knowledgeable than you do. I have a few suggestions that should get this fixed. First off, over the long hall you're just going to have to do more study and research on all the stuff that's in the world. But in the short term you should do these things that should act as an immediate salve to any notion that you might be dense or somehow impaired:

Bone up on the Korean war. You see, no one ever talks about this war, so if you sound like you know what you're talking about people will say, "Wow, he even knows about the Korean war, obviously he is a master historian."

Learn about one of our presidents from the 1800's that no one ever talks about. Quote him frequently and admiringly. If done right this should have the same effect as the first suggestion.

Start saying "But is it really?" after everything everyone says. Even if your point is not immediately obvious it will be taken as deeply philosophical, which is good.

Increase your usage of the following words: purportedly, praytell, purloined, substantiate, gladhand, facile, indomitable.

Pick a few choice words and pronounce them the same way the Brits do.

Refer to everything George W. Bush ever said or did as "stupid," "braindead," "idiotic" or "evil."

Treat in a derisive manner anything you perceive to be well regarded as popular or hip. Some good examples: American Idol, the Twilight series, Saturday Night Live, The Office. WARNING: this works in reverse fashion for Barack Obama-- don't screw with him!


Jessica DesLongchamp said...

As always, thank you for the truly enlightened advice.

Anonymous said...

It's long haul son. Brilliant insight though!