Saturday, November 8, 2008

What Obama Can Do To Earn My Support

I have a confession to make. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a conservative. And because I'm a conservative, I'm not exactly excited that Obama won. I know that in some parts of the country saying that can get me killed, but I am morally bound to spit the truth.

While I am not happy about an Obama win, neither do I want to be a crabby-apple sour poose who has to make everyone and his analyst miserable for the next four to eight years. Since I have intellectual standards, I can't just give in and support Obama. So I decided to put together a list. If he is able to achieve all or at least 83% of the following then I think it will be reasonable for us conservatives to gaze upon his visage in a favorable way:

  1. He needs to become a Republican (keep in mind he doesn't have to achieve all of these things, only at least 83%, and I know this ones a long shot, so he can skip this one if he wants to).
  2. He needs to consider others more highly than he considers himself. If the Republicans seem to have a good idea, then he needs to defer to them.
  3. He needs to ride a horse on a semi-regular basis. I understand that this is a very strange and seemingly arbitrary request. Let me explain. For better or worse we've elected our first black president. This is uncharted territory for all of us and we're left unsure about how we should feel towards him. We just have no past with which to base how we treat a black president. We don't know what black American presidents do. But if he were to ride a horse once in awhile, it would help to make him more comprehensible to every day Americans. Our presidents have been diverse (besides being white or secretly Jewish), but the one common thread that seems to tie them all together is that they've spent their fair share of time on a horse. Obama could go a long way in making himself accessible to us in this manner.
  4. He needs to find Osama bin Laden. Bush has given him an eight year head start—if Obama is not able to find him with all of the help that Bush has so graciously provided then he will go down in history as one of the most incompetent buffoons we've ever had kick up his dogs on the desk of the oval office.
  5. He needs to erase the national debt. I can't remember what it's up to, something like 9 trillion. I'm sure that McCain would have had a plan to get rid of it within two to four years because he is a fiscal conservative. If Obama wants to show the world that he can be taken seriously then he will eliminate our debt to the nations of the world.
  6. He needs to convert to a more moderate form of Christianity. Most Americans like their Jesus subdued and orderly. I know that I can't assume everything the dishonorable Reverend Wright said Obama believes, but some of us are skeptical because he sat under that, or a form of that, for 20 years. Obama would do well to become a Presbyterian, or an Episcopalian, and only sit under pastors that can barely get it up past a low whisper.
  7. Obama needs to homeschool his children. Look, there are a lot of whites out there in a lot of denim jumpers that need to be convinced that Obama is the real deal. If he wants a shot at identifying with a large part of the American electorate then he will take several hours out of his day to teach Sasha and Malia their reading, writing and arithmetic. To put his children in an actual school will be taken as an act of unabashed elitism—it's just not a move he can afford to make.
  8. Obama needs to put up or shut up. I don't quite know what that means in this context, but if he's wise he'll figure it out, fast.
  9. Obama needs to use it or lose it. Again, refer to the second sentence of number 8.
  10. Obama needs to change his own oil on the presidential limo. He is the first northern liberal to be elected in the last 70 or so years. Most Americans think of northern liberals as femmy, tepid milquetoasts that would get their asses kicked in a bar fight by their own daughters. If Obama wants to identify with mainstream American, then he is going to have to get his hands dirty. He needs to change the oil, plunge the toilet, mow the lawn, all that stuff.
I also decided that if he achieves 100% of my list then I will start capitalizing the pronouns that are used in reference to him. For example, "Did you hear about Obama? Well, it turns out He is a lot better than we thought." Typically this type of grammatical reverence is only reserved for those held in the highest regard, so he should feel honored.

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