Saturday, November 1, 2008

An Ode to Caffeine

I thank God that he didn't make me a Mormon. Now, even saying that brings up a whole host of theological issues that I just wasn't planning on addressing at this time. It could even be construed as offensive, me saying such a thing. So if you're a MoMo, then cool out, I wasn't trying to dog your pseudo religion.

No, but there is a serious point to be made. A sage at my work says: "Before profits, caffeine." I think there is a lot of truth to that. I don't think that you can find it in the pages of Proverbs, but you can certainly make a case for the idea of grafting it in and pretending like it was always there. Truth is what it is, and if it's true now then it was true when Solomon was tooling around and doing the things that grabbed him a page in the history books.

I've reached a point where I don't think I can achieve anything meaningful in my life without the aid of caffeine, and its necessary vehicle, coffee. If I were a Mormon, and therefore couldn't imbibe the stated benefits of the wonderdrug, then I would be capable of nothing. Caffeine sharpens my senses; I can feel it make my brain function on a higher plane. Before profits, caffeine. Yes. I think the Mormon's need a reformation, just like Christianity had. They need to go back to Smith, or Gabriel, Meroni or upstate New York, and do a little revision. I want you guys to know the joy that I know. I want you guys to be more productive, and therefore benefit me economically. I want you to caffinate and know thyself, and live in the truth that Greg who sits next to me at work has made clear: Before profits, caffeine.

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