Sunday, November 16, 2008

My Precious FAQs

I get quite a few FAQs (that's Frequently Asked Questions to the layperson) here at We Need the Eggs, but I've never shared those with you. There are a few reasons why I haven't. First of all, for a long time I've had a moral issue with the term FAQ. I know that it isn't technically "wrong," but I feel insulted every time someone says it to me. And if there happens to be a child in the trailor then I usually instinctively cover their ears.

Despite my initial objections, I spent three an a half days of nonstop pondering on this issue, and in the end I decided to share my FAQs with you. You may find them enlightening, intriguing and/or helpful, and if that's the case then you probably find this picture quite wonderful. Why? Because you get me, and I thank you for that.

Here are the questions, in a coded order of importance:

1. I really like how journalists refer to their schooling as "J-School." Why don't doctors and lawyers do that?

That's a good question. It really is a mystery that sociologists have tried to explain for years. It just sounds so cool, why wouldn't more professions want to get in on that? One theory is that "M" and "L-School" just don't sound as good as the euphonious "J." I tend towards liking that explanation. I also think there is some professional snobbery going on. Doctors would never settle for referring to their school as a letter because they want to be able to namedrop the prestigious school they went to. Obviously the same goes for lawyers.

2. What is the best picture on the internet?

This one:

http://www.itescapee.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/gay-peter-pan.jpg

3. "This one is a two parter," they usually say. A) How many Americans, as a percentage of the population, have danced in the rain?, and B) How many of them do it because of various songs in multiple genres that reference the act?

Now, the numbers for this answer are quite interesting. 70 percent of Americans report that at some point in their life they have danced, or at least "shuffled" in the rain. The strange thing about that figure is that it breaks along gender lines disproportionately. 20 percent of the 70 are women, and 80 percent are men! What this means is one of an infinite amount of things. One possibility is that we have a lot of female dance-sluts in this country, in which case the parents of America will need to take a long hard look in the mirror. The other, and I think more likely answer, is that we have a whole lot of men dancing, alone, in the rain. This answer flies in the face of a lot of preconceived notions about men and their level of emotional sensitivity, but when faced with facts it is better to embrace them than to flee from them.

The answer to part B of the question is that a staggering 100 percent of people who have danced in the rain said they did it because they got the idea from a song (Note: all respondents who said they danced in the rain for "religious reasons" were stricken from the record because a requirement invalidates free will; if they would have been counted the numbers would have shifted to only 68 percent dancing in the rain because of a song). That means that if the myriad songs out there had not made that obnoxious reference we wouldn't have to deal with this indulgent and insufferable practice.

4. Have you ever danced in the rain?

Yes I have. Next question.

5. Is smoking bad for your health?

No. People smoke every day and it does not age them one bit. What people try to say is that it give you wrinkles and it rots your teeth and your organs, but do you know what else does that? Time. So if time, sorry time, has the same exact side effects as smoking...wouldn't you agree there is something they are not telling us? The truth is that if you smoke a cigarette, or even a pack, you will look exactly the same as if you didn't smoke it. You will only age 24 hours no matter how many cigarettes are smoked in one day. But I know you won't believe me, so I have photographic, documentary evidence. Observe these boys, they're smoking and yet they are in perfect health, their looks still betray their true age, and they are happy. Immediately the defender will want to go to the time argument, but I have already invalidated that, so case closed.

6. Is it a good idea to have these guys at the front line of border security?

No. I don't know why people keep asking that and I don't know why it would occur to them that that might be a good idea.

7. Is the Bible's depiction of Adam and Eve and the fall meant to be taken literally, or is it just a story?

Does this answer your question?

Well, I've already said a lot. There are tons more questions, like seriously four dozen, so maybe I'll do some more somewhere down the line.

4 comments:

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

I look forward to more of these...

jennyroseanne said...

Extremely intriguing are these precious FAQ's as are your accompanying pictures. As much as I'd like to ask where in God's green earth you come up with such, I fear the dangers of adding to your already overwhelming FAQ list.

Jason Dean said...

Ha! That's so funny, and it's a good point. But it's a needless fear since I'll make up all kinds of things that you've asked me about and tell everyone! :)

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