******From the Pienman Newswire******** (and just to be clear, you understand that I am the Pienman Newswire, correct? I mean, I figured it was clear, but I just wanted to make sure.)
Washington DC--Never has there been a worse thing to happen to Mother America than what has just taken place in the nation's official capitol: It has now become more expensive to print money than money is actually worth.
"This is something that we've worried about for decades, and now it has finally come to pass," said a well known economist who only wanted to be identified as "Hambone." Economists refer to this doomsday scenario as Zero-Sum Cash Balloon Syndrome, (ZSCBS). In this situation printing U.S. Treasury notes is effectively pointless because a net debt would be created by even trying to undertake the transaction.
"Do you understand what this means?" asked Hambone to the general American public. "It means that Uncle Sam would actually have to take money from your account to make more."
No one knows how much time is left. The average shelf life for U.S. American dollars is three and a half weeks, and then they are taken from circulation and sent to Africa where the cash is used for toilet paper and bubblegum wrappers.
From this point the pictures becomes even gloomer. No plan has ever been devised to deal with a situation such as this.
"Well, the thing is, we just figured we'd all be radiated into turnips, or our heads would be on sticks or something at this point," said a nervous president Bush.
Trying to find a straight answer to who is responsible for resolving the issue is next to impossible. The Treasury Department says that it is the State Department's job to figure out what we do next. They argue that, in a post-9/11 world it is now a matter of national security how we create our money.
But the State Dept. says the Treasury Dept. can blow it out their ass because they know the Treasury Dept. is being lazy and they just don’t want to come up with a solution, “as usual,” they said.
So we find ourselves in a stalemate, with no conceivable way forward.
President-elect Barack Obama was quoted as saying, “I don’t know, maybe it means we go back to a barter and trade situation for awhile, maybe that will work.” This scenario, though, does not seem likely as it would require the loosening of child labor laws, which is damn near impossible with this congress.
But a sign now hangs in the window of the White House, which is perhaps a metaphorical manifestation of the psychological distress that grips the capitol, or maybe it's for real: "If anyone has a good idea of how to save ourselves from ourselves, please email it to us."