Sunday, July 27, 2008

An Opinion You Can Rely On

The truth is there are a lot of blogs out there (I tried to find out just how many, but my Googling shows that apparently people stopped counting in 2005, so I can't give you that ancient information), but you have chosen to read this one; I have an explanation.

Life is hard and it can be confusing. It makes you feel good when someone will tell you like it is with all the confidence in the world. It can be soothing to know that it only takes one hypothesis to explain all of the world's ills. Thinking for yourself so often leads to frustration and inconclusive results. You might wonder about a topic, and even research it, only to find that there are two experts who will both tell you that the opposite is true. Is there a way out?

Absolutely. The service I offer is that my opinions are objective fact. When most people have opinions they are subjective, which means they could be wrong or they could be right. When Joe Whoever writes a movie review he might be right about the film, but it is equally possible that he is full of crap. And that's because it is just his opinion; your opinion and $3.71 can get you a decent cup of Starbuck, but that's about it. Now it's fine if you want to listen to someone like that, and up until this point you haven't had a choice, but now there is me. When I offer my opinion, what I am actually doing is describing the world as it actually is, that is why my opinion is so reliable. I'm not describing it as you would like it to be, or as I would like it to be, but how it actually is.

Because I have ensured that my opinions are the truth, if I watch a movie and say that it isn't funny, you don't have to wonder. If I say that clearly Iran is going to blow up Israel with a nuclear weapon, what is there to wonder about? For some reason God has blessed me with objective opinions, and I feel it is my duty to help you by sharing this blessing with you.

Now I know that, amazingly, this gift can actually be a bit dull. There is no room for debate and argumentation when you know that you are right, so I don't have to interact with or listen to others, but you get used to it after awhile. But the trade off is that you can get the truth and so therefore you can shut the door and never again have to think about the thing that I set you straight on.

So if you ever have a gray area in your life that needs clarification please feel free to look me up for help. My name is Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Randi Rhodes. The Religious Right, the Religious Left. I also go by Talk Radio in General, Teenagers and Rigid Thinkers. You might also know me as Curmudgeon, Ideologue and Dogmatic.

In short my name is God, for I know all.

1 comment:

Jessica DesLongchamp said...

Hmmm, you went very G.K. @ the end there... to quote the wise sage The Dude: "Yeah, well, you know that's just, like uh ...your opinion, man."